Paraprosdokian Sentences

You know how I appreciate a clever turn of phrase.  I'd like to take credit for the following, but some of it was from an email I received from a friend, who knew I would enjoy it immensely.  The rest I went on line and located elsewhere.

A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first. They're used typically for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy these!

The first three I can attribute to someone:

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx   

 

 "If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker." — Homer Simpson                                   

1. - Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. - The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
4. - If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
5. - We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. - Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. - The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8. - How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
9. - Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
10. - I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
11. - Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
12. - You're never too old to learn something stupid.
13. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
14. - You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
15. - The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
16. - Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
17. - Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. 
18. - Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
       be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
19. - Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
      live with.
20. - To write is human, to blog is divine.  (Okay, that one is mine)

 And that is about all I have to say for today.

Musings and meanderings from the Musical Gardener.